So, I am making changes. This caused a fair bit of anxiety in me, as though these are changes I want to make, they are still rather scary. I would be lying if I did not state I am afraid that I will mess up the journal as a whole and make this item I have been working on for the last nearly-six months a complete waste. I have taken some comfort in the notion that when I first started bullet journaling, I had no idea what it was I was going to do and so it all felt like I was going to be making a big mistake. Eventually through trial and error I made it to where I am now and I am about 80% happy with my journal. I am hoping these changes will increase it to about 90%, hah. I don't think I will ever reach 100% and that is okay.
I am also trying to make more changes in my life and live a more artist lifestyle. I have been living too much in a clinical world of mental health care that I lost sight of the hobbies and things that really made me happy. What happened to my dreams of being a big artist? Well, honestly, I never thought I would make it big and I always assumed I would have to have some kind of other job, but I did think I would be somewhere else than I am now. I don't know. It's hard to put a finger on it when the ideas and notions you had as a child and teen are met with the changing realities of today's technological world. I started small... bullet journaling. Now, I am journaling, watercoloring, and doing all sorts of other things that make me happy. Still, the fear is there and perhaps that is what keeps me tethered to the mental health job I have like a unicorn chained to a tree in a tapestry. I could break loose, I could easily hop that fence, but I don't know what the rest of the world has for me yet, so I am sitting, waiting, and trying to catch a glimpse of that world before I act... but when will it be too late? When will I never be able to escape? When will the fear have won? I don't want to wait to find out.
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